I can’t say that I’m happy, but I’m content with not being happy. If I was happy if would mean no one really meant anything to me. That this loss wasn’t of any importance. The longer I grieve, just shows the enormity of my loss.
Being hard or tough is a detachment from things. If you’re hard you won’t care about people, you won’t trust people, you won’t truly love people.
If you’re soft you may spend more time coping with loss, and the little losses may effect you more greatly than others…
And what that says, is the more room for heartbreak, the more room for love.
Grief is a process everyone will go through, but you can’t outrun that storm.

They’ve warned me about wearing my heart on my sleeve.

They said others won’t appreciate it like I do. Not everyone wants to see me for who I am, but rather who they’d like me to be.

You won’t get a job, you won’t succeed in this life.

They are right, but also they are so, so wrong.

I won’t succeed. I won’t make 6 figures, and I won’t be on a billboard.

There will never be a commercial on TV for the business I built with my own hands.

I may never drive a high class car, or live in a mansion. 

I can assure I will never wear expensive clothing, but I can also assure I will be content.

With dirt in my hair, and the same clothes I’ve had for years I will still gaze over the bay and be thankful that I know myself.

I’ve lost so much in just under a year, more than I ever fathomed losing.

Friends, family, and love. Some by death, some by choice.. and for a while I lost myself.

Slowly I am gaining myself back, but the others will remain lost and I am ok with it.

Life isn’t about pleasing others. Its one thing to cross someone, but its another to be yourself constantly regardless of their acceptance.

Maybe I’m stubborn, but I know right from wrong. I know that given the chance to live a day in my shoes from September 30th, 2012 until today, no one would take that leap. 

I’m not an alchoholic, or a drug user. I haven’t been violent with a soul. In fact the worst thing I can say I’ve done is use emotions to speak with a loose tongue about people more than deserving of my opinion. 

I may be a sarcastic prick, the majority of time.. but given the chance I’d give a hand to even my worst enemies. I know because I’ve been faced with that, and still without hesitation lent myself to them.

The only difference now, is I might stand up for my own injustice instead of laying down for anyone who justifies their actions towards me. 

I know what I deserve. My mother would want me to fight for it.

So I will wear my heart on my sleeve, at risk of being controversial, and in the face of anyone who dares try to tell me I’m less.

Call me pathetic, call me an asshole, see me exactly how you want.

..but God forbid you have to experience my loss, and if you do I’d love to see you not at least lose yourself for a short time.

What is honestly the point in moving forward?

I’m not trying to sound pitiful but I’d just love a legitimate answer at this point.

Do you genuinely believe in God, or is it blind faith? And if its blind faith, than you’re reason for existence is nothing more than a crutch.

My faith in people has been shattered by numerous heartbreak, and betrayal by persons I considered close. Not only just the act but the fact that each and every account took place in what I can only hope will be the worst time in my entire life.

..yet no apology has come my way, except by one person. 

In fact there are countless others who still put blame on me.

SO please explain the point in this continuance, besides more heartbreak. 

Everyday is nothing short of a struggle, self-esteem is a long distant memory. Faith is a dream, and all I know is the selfishness of humanity.

If I can place myself in your shoes, the least you can do is place yourself in mine. 

I do my damndest to stay positive, but its become more and more evident I’m not meant to be.

Please show me a point.

If we live in a world of pure forgiveness, there will be no consequence. Humility is a great virtue to have, but without pride you can’t be content.
Without pride, you get walked on. You’ll be told you’re wrong, and you’ll be to blame when it’s so clear to yourself you aren’t. Without pride you may gain all the love in the world, but this is purely conditional.
Once you make that mistake, you’ll be plastered on the wall as the devil.
Once you stand up for yourself you’ll lose all the ones you once thought were so close to you.
Of course too much pride is a flaw of character, but not enough will leave you in a fake state. You’ll feel happy, and feel like a good person, but this is built on a weak foundation. If you make 1 wrong move it will crash on you.

So I say let it fall. Even if you lose what you thought was everything. The thing about true love, whether it be platonic or intimate, is that it is unconditional. The love of a parent to a child will never flee because it is pure and true. But you’ll find how conditional most of your love is when it’s put to the test. And the only way to find if its pure is to test it.

Life is all about balance, and when you fnid your balance between humility, and pride you will find the love in your life to be genuine.

I miss my family.

I’m not on drugs, and I’m a sorry excuse for an alcoholic. My worse vice is a nicotine addiction I can’t seem to kick, but even that isn’t half as bad as the crutch that killed my mom.
Yet to the elders in my life I’m a liability and too rebellious for their standards.

I’ve never wished evil on a soul, in fact I blame myself for all the people who’ve walked out of my life. Even those who did me wrong, I still sit with guilt thinking I could have acted differently.
..and at the end of the day, they all stay gone.

I refuse to grow hard, yet the universe seems to be shoving me in that direction with all it’s force.
I have too much faith in the pretty picture my mother painted for me, and now that she isn’t here I’m left to carry on her legacy or change.

My logic says fuck everyone, but my heart says there’s good in them.

I’m no longer the innocent little mamas boy I once was. Most people don’t like the new me, but I can’t change back. There’s no one to catch me when I fall anymore.

I stand tall, and alone. Content that I’ve got a heart of fucking gold, and if you can’t see it it’s your loss.

The problem with this world, is too many people think they understand. They judge actions from the relative perspective of their single-minded shit selfs, instead of just listening. Instead of just offering a shoulder to cry on, they sit on a throne of filth with out realizing they don’t understand loss because most of them have yet to experience true fucking loss.

Forever I will be misunderstood by those lucky ones who remain innocent… But it’s a burden I can live with, because my eyes have been opened.

Rip mom.